Share your Best and Worst Jokes

[Starbucks Junkie]

Light the fuse and stand back.....



A woman calls the grocer and asks that he deliver 38 qts of milk. He asked; What do you want with so much milk? She tells him; I'm going to take a milk bath. He asks: Do you want it pasteurized? She says no, up to my neck will be fine...

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A married couple were in bed one night when there was a knock on the door. The man went downstairs to find a man wanting a push. He said forget it and went to bed. When he went back upstairs his wife asked who was at the door. He told her some guy wanting a push and he went back to bed. His wife said, do you mean you didn't give him a push? After all the help strangers have given you over the years? How could you be so callous? You should be ashamed of yourself. Well he realized if he didn't get up and help the guy that he'd never hear the end of it. He went back downstairs and opened the door. It was pitch black outside and he couldn't see a thing. He called out, hey do you still need a push? A voice from the distance answered yes, yes I do. He asked where are you? I'm over here. Well, where's over here??? I'm on the swing.

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Ole was on his death bed. He turned to Lena, his wife of many years, and said:

"Lena, when I'm gone I hope you will remarry".

"All right Ole, I will".

"And Lena, it's all right with me if your new husband lives in our house. And I guess it's all right if you and he sleep in our bed. But please, honor this one wish. Don't let any other man use by golf clubs."

"Don't worry Ole, he's left-handed".

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Man walks into the doctor's.

Man:
" Doctor I think I'm a moth"

Doctor:
"You don't need me - you should've gone to a psychiatrist."

Man:
"I know but your light was on"






Over to you.

[Starbucks Junkie]

Originally Posted by Starbucks Junkie

Over to you.

Oh Dear, it appears everybody has had a sense of humour bypass

Come on you lot share some jokes!!!

[Loggie]

OK. You asked for it!!

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope delcined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!


Hello, and welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional...

Your dog's barking at the back door. Your wife's barking at the front. Who do you let in? Well, it's your call... but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in.

[Starbucks Junkie]

Funny )

Anyone else got any more?

[Starbucks Junkie]

Ok another one for you, as you are all so shy !

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can
you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't
know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an economist," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact
is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people
beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

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And just to prove that equal opportunites exist, ones for the ladies.


A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
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"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
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He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea.. you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
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A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoos h! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
--------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

[nikatnott]

pretty good

[Starbucks Junkie]

I've had a REALLY bad day! I rear-ended a car today. I tell you, It was a REALLY, REALLY, REALLY BAD DAY!

The driver got out of the other car and he was a DWARF!

He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "Well then, which one ARE you?"

That's how the fight started.

[Starbucks Junkie]

The Latest From Apple

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on the size.

The iTit has been hailed as a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[Sporkman]

Math Jokes:

- A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to a western country. They drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft. He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would-be pilot's friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!" The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple pole in a complex plane."


- What is the shortest mathematicians joke?

Let epsilon be smaller than zero.


- Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?

To get to the same side.


- Interesting Theorem:

All positive integers are interesting. Proof: Assume the contrary. Then there is a lowest non-interesting positive integer. But, hey, that's pretty interesting! A contradiction.


- A constant function and e^x are walking on Broadway. Then suddenly the constant function sees a differential operator approaching and runs away. So e^x follows him and asks why the hurry.

"Well, you see, there's this differential operator coming this way, and when we meet, he'll differentiate me and nothing will be left of me...!"

"Ah," says e^x, "he won't bother ME, I'm e to the x!" and he walks on. Of course he meets the differential operator after a short distance. e^x: "Hi, I'm e^x" diff.op.: "Hi, I'm d/dy"


- "The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again."


- Q: how many times can you subtract 7 from 83, and what is left afterwards?

A: I can subtract it as many times as I want, and it leaves 76 every time.


- Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?

A: Because he left a residue at every pole.

[Starbucks Junkie]

Originally Posted by Sporkman

Math Jokes:

- A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to a western country. They drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft. He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would-be pilot's friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!" The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple pole in a complex plane."


- What is the shortest mathematicians joke?

Let epsilon be smaller than zero.


- Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?

To get to the same side.


- Interesting Theorem:

All positive integers are interesting. Proof: Assume the contrary. Then there is a lowest non-interesting positive integer. But, hey, that's pretty interesting! A contradiction.


- A constant function and e^x are walking on Broadway. Then suddenly the constant function sees a differential operator approaching and runs away. So e^x follows him and asks why the hurry.

"Well, you see, there's this differential operator coming this way, and when we meet, he'll differentiate me and nothing will be left of me...!"

"Ah," says e^x, "he won't bother ME, I'm e to the x!" and he walks on. Of course he meets the differential operator after a short distance. e^x: "Hi, I'm e^x" diff.op.: "Hi, I'm d/dy"


- "The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again."


- Q: how many times can you subtract 7 from 83, and what is left afterwards?

A: I can subtract it as many times as I want, and it leaves 76 every time.


- Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?

A: Because he left a residue at every pole.

And the winner for the worst jokes is......