Share your Best and Worst Jokes

[Starbucks Junkie]

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife,
"Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast.
Maybe it would
take a few inches off of your butt!!"
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't
simply ignore such a
comment.
The next morning the husband took a pair of his underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little
"dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She replied with a knowing laugh:.... "It's not talcum powder....... it's
'Miracle Grow'"

[Starbucks Junkie]

The Journey of Man

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided
I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time
and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so
dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but had no direction.
So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now and am looking for a girl with big Breasts.

[Starbucks Junkie]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she
doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for
me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things
I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having *** tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
__________________

[Starbucks Junkie]

One for the Ladies...


Reasons not to drink wine
________________________________________
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman wh o asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'


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Velcro - What a rip off

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Is Bi-Polar a sexually curious bear?

[Starbucks Junkie]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual ***, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doi ng.

She felt having *** with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom’s resistance to nature’s urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So they buried Debbie.
__________________


A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On
theThird day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their
Situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well,
Sister, this looks pretty grim.''I know, Father. In fact, I don't
think it likely that we can surviveMore than a day or two.' 'I
agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make itOut
of here alive, would you do something for me?''Anything, Father.''I
have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might See
yours.''Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do
any harm.' The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight
of herShapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and
heFondled them for several minutes. 'Father, could I ask something of
you?' 'Yes, Sister?''I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see
yours?' 'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his
robe.'Oh Father, may I touch it?' The priest consented and after a
few minutes of fondling he wasSporting a huge erection.'Sister, you
know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it canGive
life.''Is that true Father?' 'Yes, it is, Sister.' 'Oh Father, that's
wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's getThe hell out of
here!'

[Starbucks Junkie]

man goes into a chinese restaurant and orders chicken surprise

when the bamboo steamer arrives, he notices the lid rising slowly, and 2 eyes watching him

he calls the waiter over who says

sorry, its our mistake - you wanted chicken surprise, but we sent you "peking duck"


--------------------------


A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
>breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years
>ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
>
> 'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as
>a jaybird fifty years ago.'
>
> 'Well,' Granny snickered 'Let's relive some old times.'
>
> Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
>
> 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My
>nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
>
> 'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.
>
> 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

[Starbucks Junkie]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping
to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old
Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'
The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy
a tie? They are only $5.'
The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I
need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!'
'OK,' said the old Jewish man,' it does not matter that you do
not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am
bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about
two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold
water you need. Shalom.'
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead. 'Your
f*%king brother won't let me in without a tie!'

[Starbucks Junkie]

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE..I'M BROKE!!

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a
well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least
seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse
manure onto my hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a f***ing good
appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.

[Starbucks Junkie]

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School
Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Mary Margaret,

who created the universe?'

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend
sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said,

'Very good'

and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret,

'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret
and the Nun once again said,

'Very good,'

and Mary Margaret fell back sleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..

'What did Eve say to Adam after
she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted,

'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'



The nun fainted !!
__________________

[Starbucks Junkie]

A Good Bull

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, ‘THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR’.

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said, “He mated 50 times last year.”

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ‘THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR’.

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, “Wow! That’s more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.”

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, ‘THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR’.

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, “That’s once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.”

I looked at her and said, “Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.”



My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.